What really happened in Battle City
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: Complete. In Malik's POV mostly. Tells what actually happened in Malik's POV and some secrets of Malik's that nobody knew! Also, character bashing from Malik and Marik, but in a most funny way.
1. Namu and what the hell?

Disclaimer: Me no own!!!  
  
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DIS: Why all the new fics? I don't know. Inspiration, I guess. Anyways, enjoy. Couple is—well, why ruin it? Much Humor this chapter!  
  
WARNING!!!!!!!! WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS DO THESE FUCKING THESE?! ANYWAYS, A LOT OF SWEARING AND HORNY, NASTY THOUGHTS!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!  
  
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SOMEONE'S POV  
  
Tea Gardner, my next victim or rather slave, walked down the streets, looking for her pint-sized friend, Yugi Mutoh. Oh yes, she was the best friend of the World's Greatest Duelist. What a load of bullshit! I mean, that little midget is so friggin annoying! My Ra and he's the Pharaoh's ABIOU???! My Ra, man!—GROW UP!  
  
Anyway, Tea wouldn't find him. Oh no, she wouldn't! Damn it all to hell! She's found that bastard, Joey Wheeler! 'Oh look, I'm Joey Wheeler and I like to boast about what a fucking idiot I am!!' Goddamn asshole. Get a life. 'I used to have the Red Eyes Black Dragon, but I was too much of an idiot to let the Rare Hunters get it! I'm going to go bawl and whine and swear at Yugi about my fucking Red Eyes!' Stupid dog, go fuck yourself. Oh shit! I need to stalk them or.....FUCK!!! What the hell was my plan again?! Oh yeah, now I remember. Ok!  
  
"Bakura, where are you, you fool!" I curse and see Bakura come up, his arm bloodied. "THE FUCK???"  
  
"Oh, sorry." He smirked. The fucking psycho.  
  
"Why the hell did you self-mutilate yourself?!" Bakura licked some of his blood off his arm. Ewwwww.............  
  
"Why else, you delinquent?" Bakura snapped. "Come on!" So, Bakura turned back to Ryou, I acted as this kid names "Namu" and became friends with Wheeler and Tea.  
  
"I gots a lot of tricks up my sleeve fo' duelin'!" Wheeler was saying. I acted as though I was interested. My ass, I was.  
  
"And so I bet dat I could always—"  
  
"JOEY!!" Tea barked. My Ra, woman!  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Stop boring him with your bragging! We have to find Yugi!"  
  
"Oh...I wasn't braggin'!" The hell if you weren't, you monkey ass.  
  
"Joey..." Tea rubbed her temples in annoyance and I just know what she's going through. Three letters. P M S  
  
"What?! I wasn't braggin!"  
  
BONK!!  
  
Ooh that had to hurt.  
  
"Owies, Tea! Ya didn't haffta hit me wit ya purse! Ya got sometin in der, like bricks!" Wheeler whined, rubbing the huge bump on his blond head.  
  
"Well, Joey, don't ARGUE with me!!"  
  
"Hey, are you going through dat time of da month, Tea?" Idiot. I think I've learned never to ask stupid things like that.  
  
"JOEY!!!" SMACK!!! Ouch. That's gonna leave a bruise.  
  
"OW! TEAAA!!!!" Joey whined, backing away from her. She heaved a sigh and turned to me. "I apologize for my friends stupidity. But, it was nice meeting you Namu!"  
  
"Yeah...*glances at Tea* see ya some time later, awright?" Joey said, walking with Tea, 5 feet away from her. I actually think that I like Tea more than that moron blond.  
  
"Oh, we will...quite soon." I say. 'Alright my rare hunters...it's time...HEY!! WTF?!?! IT'S TIME YOU MORONS!!! GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE!!!  
  
'S-sorry master Malik.'  
  
'Yeah, whatever.'  
  
Stupid asses. They need more punishment. "Oh no, Joey, Tea look out!" I exclaim.  
  
"Huh? Eeeekk!!!" Tea ducked before my rare hunter could take any damage to her. "Joey!!! Behind you!" She said, running away from my rarehunter. Wow. Look at those sexy legs go...(^_^) *face fault* Argh! 'What are you doing?! Get her!!'  
  
"Namu!! Help Joey!!" Tea told me, running around in, practically circles.  
  
"Um, ok." I said and walked over to Joey, but he was unconscious.  
  
"NAMU!!!!" I turned around slowly, seeing something I DID NOT wish to see. My stupid rare hunter was in a BAD position. It looked like he was about to rape her!!! *GROWLS*  
  
"GET THE FUCK OFF HER!!!" She was unconscious now, anyway. The rare hunter seemed confused. I took my M. Rod out and sent that bastard to the Shadow Realm. Ah, well, what do I have to say? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's what you get, you MORONIC FOOL!!!!!!!!  
  
Ahem, right. I wonder where that fagot, Kaiba is. Huh! Well, it doesn't matter. He's probably fucking the goddamn, washed up has-been Pharaoh no doubt. 'Oh Kaiba, I demand you to fuck me, cause I'm Pharaoh!' What a wanna- be! Hmm...I guess I am in that range as well...though I don't give a fuck too much. Ah, anyways, I think I better take the blond idiot and the sexy girl of the Pharaoh's. Maybe I'll be lucky and the Pharaoh will appear. (-_- ) Yeah, in my dreams. Actually, I wouldn't be lucky. Ah, anyways...  
  
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DIS: So how was it? So good so far? Well, I hope you all enjoyed it! And I intend on continuing on this, on account of the fact that this is a humor fic and I like it! Please review and tell me how you thought it was Thankies! 


	2. You sneaky swine!

Disclaimer: Me no own the show.  
  
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DIS: Hello everyone! How are you this Saturday? I am fine. Thank you all for reviewing! I got more reviews than I had even expected. Ok, here we go!  
  
Kuramaandhiei4ever: I've seen the movie "Poltergeist Report" of YYH, not much episodes though. I'm sooo happy you thought it was funny! My main intention was making in hilarious too.  
  
Sailor Tiamat: Wow! Someone else thinks it's funny! (^_^) That makes me want to cry! No, not really! Yeah, the character bashing is mainly from Malik, so flame him, not me!  
  
Malik: Shit...  
  
DIS: Just kidding! It was humorous bashing anyway.  
  
Rayne B: Nope, I don't like Yami as much as I do my evil yami, here!  
  
Y/M: NO! NO MORE HUGGING!!!  
  
DIS: Hehehe...  
  
Sailor Starlight Girl: Don't worry! I'm going to continue! I am right now, in fact! Plus, if I didn't, what fun would that be?  
  
GoddessOfImaginaryLightKokuei: I'm over enjoyed that you liked it! Hey, you're an authoress, though you never log in.  
  
Guardian of the Light: There is a plot though. It's the plot of Malik's in Battle City! And he isn't fucking anything...I think.  
  
Speedy-anime-angel: Yay! Another person who thought this was funny! Yessss!!!!*victory pose*  
  
FOX-SPIRIT AKA Y.V: Hey girl! Wow, I don't think you've reviewed any of my fics...I don't remember. Anyway, HOW DID YOU KNOW THE COUPLE?!?! Oh wait, it's pretty obvious. Hehehe......thanks for reviewing!!  
  
DIS: 8 reviews! The first chapter rewled!!!  
  
Malik: No it didn't.  
  
DIS: Shut your face.  
  
Malik: Why don't YOU shut YOUR face?!  
  
DIS: WHY DON'T YOU DIE?????????  
  
Malik: I don't know...  
  
Yami: Good question! I can NEVER kill the damn thing!  
  
Malik: THING???? I'm a GUY, you idiot!  
  
Yami: So you are. Sorry, I forgot by you feminine attitude.  
  
Malik: PISS OFF, PHARAOH!!  
  
DIS: (ahem) please enjoy the chapter. Oh, yeah, this fic is all in Malik's POV, unless it changed to someone elses. In other words, the starting of each chapter is in Malik's POV. Also, short chapter.  
  
WARNING!!!!!!!!! DUE TO THE LANGUAGE AND GRAPHIC CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER, OR FIC, THEN WE SUGGEST PEOPLE UNDERAGE NOT READ THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!  
  
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Ok, I got that idiot blond in my control, now for little Tea. Hmm...I should make her my personal salve, she'll be fun t play with...hehehe...Oh what the fuck now?!  
  
"Master Malik, we have located Seto Kaiba and Yugi." Odion told me.  
  
"Ok." I replied.  
  
"And we should head to the docks soon, before Kaiba and Yugi get there." I twitched as he spoke.  
  
"Alright." I mumbled.  
  
"And-"  
  
"I GET IT, ODION!!!!!!!!!"I snapped. Odion just kind of...stared.  
  
"Yes, Master Malik." He murmured and rose from his knees. He gave me a frightened glance, before leaving. Screw him then. I hope he gets raped! Mwahahahaha!! Maybe that was going to far. Actually, who would WANT to rape Odion? Ew...I sure as fuck wouldn't. Anyway, I better get Tea while I still can. At least before one of the rare hunters rape her. I know she's a lot more worthy of being raped than Odion. Hell, I might even do that...I'll put that thought on hold...  
  
Ah, here she is! What a gentle complexion she has. I wonder if little Yugi has scored with her yet? Nah, Joey probably did. Or maybe...UGH! I don't even want to THINK of Seto Kaiba getting Gardner in bed...EWWWW!!! Nasty image!  
  
Ok, here I—Aw shit! She's waking up. Lucky I'm in the shadows. 'Odion! Bring in Wheeler!'  
  
'Yes, Master Malik.' Wheeler, who is under my control, came in with Odion.  
  
"Joey!! Thank god you're here! Hurry and get me out of this!!" I snuck behind her as she talked to "Joey". "Joey? Hey, why are you giving me that weird look? OMIGOD!! I'm so sorry Joey! They took you and made you their BEEYATCH!!!!!!!!" (OO) WHAT?! Someone's bitch?! Jeez, that's lewd. Anyway, before she could speak any more, I took her mind in my control. Perfect. Alright then. I guess since that's done, I can finally deicide whether she is going to be my regular mind slave or my personal slave. Choices, choices. Well, what would the Pharaoh say? Oh yeah, he'd say, 'I fuck no one, but my gay, fagot lover, Seto Kaiba! SOMEONE MAY FUCK HER FOR ME!' Figures. That blond idiot. They're all the same. Even that blond girl, Mai Valentine. *shivers* 'Like, OMG! That is suck a cool thong! I am, like, such a slutty valley girl! I should, like, go around naked, fucking every man I see! Yeah!' Oh Ra, I hate her. She's so annoying. I really need to kill her some time soon, the bitch.  
  
Anyways, I untie Tea and have her stand up. Good, now her and Joey are standing face to face. The gay Pharaoh will lose! I wonder if he fucked the priest in his ancient times. Ugh, I don't wanna know. Even if he didn't, it's obvious the 2 obsess over each other more than I do about my M. Rod. Yes, that's a confession. I polish it 12 times a day too, if anyone wants to know. Ok, question: WHY THE HELL AM I TALKING TO MYSELF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Well, I am lonely, it does prove that point and all. But I suppose that it does prove most well that I am talking in my mind, instead of out loud. Though, I bet my lazy-ass yami hears me. Oh well, he die for all I care. But I realty would like to get the opportunity to shove my foot up that bastards ass. Hmm...but I don't know what's up there, so I might want to not do that, just in case I get my shoe dirty. There might be some kind of acid up there...ugh.  
  
Ok, it's time to take my mind slaves to the docks! Tea to my ship and Wheeler to the dock. Ha! EAT MY WORDS, PHARAOH!!!  
  
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Wait, that didn't make any sense.......  
  
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DIS: So, how was it? Good, bad? I know I could've extended it, but I need to update 'Strange Love' Please review! 


	3. Oh, poor Odion

I do not own YuGiOh 

DIS: Hello everyone! I bet you hate me for not updating, eh?runs away from vegetables being thrown at her EEK! Well, sorry everyone!! I really am! Ya see,sticks toothpick in mouthI had the whole chapter on a floppy disk a couple weeks ago, but unfortunately, I lost the bloody thing! With other masterpieces of mine! Ok, not master pieces. But anyways, here we go!

_Tsunmi-chan: I LOVE Yami Marik! He rewls!!!! Oh yeah!!! laughs nervously, blushes Thank ya much for reviewing._

_Ruler of Darkness: Yes...very odd...Mwahahaha!_

_Chibi-Chichan: YO! Waddup?? ;.; Yay! I feel so happy inside! You love my story?sobs happily_

_KawaiiLil-InuGurl: grins I have succeeded in making this a totally humorous fic. AWRIGHT!_

_fOX-SPIRIT AKA Y.V:bows to Odion Yes! All hail Odion!!! There will be lots of Odion this chapter too! And LOTS of Malik!_

_Odion:feeling proud_

_Wicked angel grls: Maybe he will make Tea his personal slave...I won't tell...Mwahaha!! ahem_

_BlindFate: You leave lots of things in your reviews...some I have no idea of..._

_Sour Schuyler: Yami/Seto? Perhaps...What does Malik think of this?_

_Malik:chaining Y/M to an anchor What?drops the anchor_

_Y/M: OO;;;;;;;;;; NOOOO--gurgle_

_DIS: Someone save Y/M! Oh I willsnap_

_Y/M:wet and nude What? I'm alive! OO And nude!!!!!!!!AUUGGHH!!!_

_DIS:cackles grins_

_Sailor Tiamat: Of course you weren't flaming me! I know that!_

_Sb1: Yeah, Malik's POV is great! I just came up with it since he seemed to be the rebellious one and I thought that his thoughts would make the whole story more humorous. grins_

_Rosepedal711: Ya hit Yami!! Woo-hoo!! ahem You hate Mai, don't ya? Oh, Malik, here ya go._

_Malik: WHAT?gets glomped by rosepedal711 ._

_DIS:grins_

_MarikIshtarRH01970: Yay! And I am continuing! Finally...--_

_Guardian of the Light: Are you flaming me? Coz that was really mean to say that the chapter sucked. And you knocked out my main character..._

_Rayne B: You are very welcome! I hate Marie-Sue's!! _

_GoddessOfImaginaryLightKokuei: POST A SONG FIC!!! Mwahahaha!!!coughs ,._

_Sailor Starlight Girl: If fOX heard you say, 'Who would want to rape Odion?' she would go bonkers. She's a Rishid fan. grin My goodness! You're trying to rape Malik?! But...who wouldn't?GRRRIIINNN_

_Malik: OO I'm sleeping somewhere else tonight..._

_Kuramaandhiei4ever: Mai sees naked women? Holy cheeznips!_

_Redconvoy: ROD??? BIG???!?!? X.X I DO! (such a pevert) Yes, but his mind is BIIGGG!!! Not little!_

_DIS: Now that that is done, it is time for the chapter and it will be long, like a reviewer requested, or at least I hope it will be. Please enjoy._

Hehehe...would you look at the FUCKING TIME??!?!?!?!?!

Where is that bald headed moron that's my stupid brother??!?! ODION, YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!! I've been standing here at the docks and _he _decided to take his fucking time...

"Master Malik."

Well look what the cat dropped in!

"I am sorry Master Malik, I have been delayed."

"Oh really? By _what_, Odion?" I asked smugly. He sweated nervously and gave a nervous look towards Joey and Tea.

"Um...you see Master Malik...I had to do some shopping...you see... I was...preoccupied." Odion answered me, with a nervous shuffle. The impudent fool! I SHALL DEVOUR HIS BRAINS!!!! ((LOL)) or not...but if her let's me...GRINS

"_With what?_" I spat at him. He winced and coughed and tilted his head at Wheeler. Ooohhh……..Why didn't the bastard say so, damn him!?

"mumbling Stupid, idiotic bastard from hell...Fucking big ass...ego maniac...grr." I grumbled then snapped, "Where the hell are the locator cards?!"

"Right here, Master Malik." Odion handed the 6-locator cards to me and I snatched them away from him, a devil glare shot at him. That should show him. He acts like the fucking gay Pharaoh……..I bet Yami's fucking that Priest right now too! Eww...Bad image!!!

"Master Malik...the plan will work, won't it?" Odion asked. What a dumb ass! cackles Wait a minute...hmm...

He's a dumbass, and you're a dumbass, dumbass!!! 

I hope Y/M burns in hell...Eh, if Ishizu's stupid enough she'll help me and destroy 'The Darkness Inside Of Me'. She's such a preacher. My fucking Ra.

"Master Malik—"

"WHAT NOW?!??!?!?!" I snapped at Odion. He backed away from me, obviously thinking I was insane. Well I will be here soon, damn-it! Or am I already? I don't give a shit. 'Oh master Malik! I decided to do whatever I want because I am a fucking old, bald man with a small dick!!!' Wait, aw gross! I was trying to _forget _that moment I walked in on him when he was...ewww...gross, just plain gross!!

"Should we...I mean..." Odion stuttered at the deadening look I was giving him.

"Yes, Mr. Masturbator?" I sneered. He gapped at me. Then I remembered I told him I wouldn't bring it up ever again.

"MASTER MALIK!" He shrieked.

"Do you still masturbate pr something?" I questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

"W-what's it to you??" He asked nervously. I can never look at him the same way ever again...My Ra, what's next after this?! I never want him to...Aw, bad image.

"Well do you?"  I demanded. I want to know whether he's that sick of a freak.

"Well...er..." he hesitated.

"Great. I thought I told you to try and avoid that!!" Wait a minute...he said a while ago he was _preoccupied_. OO HOLY SHIT!!!! AUUGGHH!!! HE WAS MASTURBATING WHEN WE HAD _THIS_ TO DO!!!! AW, MY RA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Shall I go keep watch on Y-Yugi, Master Malik?"

"NO!" I snapped. "Go out, now and do your job!!"

"Yes, Master Malik." He mumbled and left.

"My own adopted brother..." I grimaced at the thought of it. I left Joey out there with his duel disk and duel deck and took Tea with me up stairs in the boat.

"Let us go Tea, my dear."

"Yes, Master Malik" She sound so sexy when she does that...Shit, I can't end up like Odion and go and jack-off. SHIT! Oh, wait. The Pharaoh's arrived! Let's test him...

IN the helicopter…………… 

_3rd POV_

"OH KAIBA!" Yami gasped out. "W-we're here, we need to stop." Kaiba grumbled and the two re-composed themselves and hurried out. Unknown to them, they both had two VERY visible hickies.

Malik's POV 

Ok. "Joey!" He sounds really worried, the Pharaoh. NOT. Hey, what's that on his and Kaiba's neck...OO WTF??!?!?! They were trying to fuck in the helicopter!? With little Kaiba in there?!??! AUUGGHH!! What disgusting…….ugh. Not another one.

Well, let's see how we do...

_DIS: Well, there's the end of Chapter 3. Thank you all for the reviews and please review on your way out! It sould be greatly appreciated! Sorry fOX-SPIRIT AKA Y.V if I offended you with the whole Odion thing. I love that sweet, shy guy too, but I needed some humor! And I am also sorry if it was short. See ya'll!_


	4. Malik, you naughty boy!

DIS: (waves madly at everyone) Hey y'all!

Malik: YOU ARE PATHETIC!

DIS: Why?

Malik: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE YOU'VE UPDATED THIS?!

DIS: (thinks) Nope, how long?

Malik: Um, a long time.

DIS: (--) Anyways, I decided to go right into the chapter, I'll respond to the reviews later. Enjoy!

WARNING!! SEXUAL CONTENT, LANGUAGE, SOME BASHING FROM MALIK AND MUCH HUMOR!

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That fucking Pharaoh is so fucking gay and I'm being serious! He fucked Kaiba...Ugh, fag.

Hmm...What CD's are here? That duel can wait. '8 Miles'? What the hell? (puts it in mini CD player) This sounds like sappy shit. Oh hey, it's rap. (does weird dance moves)

Huh? OH SHIT! Joey's copying me! () I forgot the rod is still on. Oh great, now Yami and Kaiba are looking like I'm some kind of moron. Oh, Tea was in here...Uh...Ok, time for the duel, mwahahaha!

"..." Damn, I wish she would she just start stripping and dance for me. She's suppose to be a very good dancer. Well, it doesn't mean she can't...Hehehe, time for some fun...

"Tea, my dear."

"Yes master?" Ah, that sexy girl...

"Strip dance for me." She blinked, but since she must listen to me, she started to.

5 minutes Later 

(.) Is it just me or is it getting hot in here??? Hmm...I didn't know she wore a thong. DAMN!

Outside.........................

SILENCE. Yami coughed and looked around. Kaiba checked his watch. Joey was adjusting his collar every minute or so and breathing unevenly. He muttered sometime, but that was about it...

"So...: Yami said.

"Shut up, someone might suspect us."

"(--)"

Malik's POV

(OO) I don't remember telling her to dance DIRECTLY AND CLOSELY IN FRONT OF ME!!!!

"Like this, master Malik?" She purred in that voice of hers.

"() Unnnnggghhhhhh................" Well that sounded intelligent.

"Master Malik, Joey isn't—MASTER MALIK?!?!" OH SHIT! Odeon came in...Fuck!

"GET OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shrieked, my face red.

Outside 

"GET OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Joey shrieked. Yami, Seto and Mokuba jumped and looked at him like this: (o.O''''')

"Uh, Set—Kaiba?"

"What?" (O.O)

"Do you think Malik forgot?" (o.o)

"I...Think he did...Yami."

Malik's POV

I think I'm going to faint...Now she's touching me...Holy shit, I need to take a shower for a (ahem) personal reason. DAMMIT! I didn't want to be a masturbator like Odeon! Hey...Is she...(OO'''''''''''') WOW. This is a nice show, better than any I'VE ever seen...Hehehe, she wasn't suppose to take ALL her clothes off but this is ok. (thinks) No, it's not ok. It's glorious! Hahahahahahaha!

Later 

(clapping his hands happily) That bastardly Pharaoh is losing! YES! Hopefully Kaiba doesn't do anything stupid like try to save Tea...I still need her...For my own personal reasons, hehehe. And I ALWAYS get what I want! Well, normally. I got my Harley, like I wanted when I was 5, I didn't have to live in solitude underground, which I hoped I didn't have to do, soooo, yeah, I got everything I wanted. HA PHARAOH. Wait...Dammit! He got a vessel, a lover (Kaiba) and the title as Game King, Ra dammit! 'Oh look, I'm the gay-ass, Kaiba-fucking Pharaoh and I'm Game King, who likes to suck dick!' Stupid ass Pharaoh. YOU WILL FALL!!!!!!!!!!

From

My

Wrath,

Ra

Damn

YOU!!!

Ooh, good cards. You're dead Pharaoh! Literally...(smirks) HAHAHAHAHA! Aw fuck! That mutt is trying to break through again!

"Stop trying to break through, Yuugi is just trying to get you in bed, fucking idiot!" I snapped at Joey.

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"sexy...We can fuck while dueling. It's like, to everyone, porno." What the fuck is wrong with that mutt? Is he hopelessly stupid?! Aw, what a fucking idiot? Does all of these morons love only men? I know my Tea does...Damn, I don't need to get horny again...I already took a shower! Fucking hot sexy bitch...(growls)

Of course, if she wanted to, she could just come and sit on my lap...Hehehe...After this duel is over, of course. I suppose it wouldn't hurt...Well, if she's virgin, it will hurt. Only for a bit, of course! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

XX

Does that count as perverted?

...

NAH! Just horny as fuck! That's a good thing. Er, right?

...

Right. I'm sure she'll want to have sex...Eventually...Maybe...Er...

...

Yeah, she's just ACTING innocent. Hell, she might even be a prostitute. Or a hooker. What's the difference, anyways? I don't think there IS a difference. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Tea! No, Tea, not tea. Though I kinda am in the mood for some tea. Hey...WHAT THE HELL? JOEY, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! HE broke through! Well I wasn't paying attention, so...I'm going to eventually let him off. THAT SUCKS SHIT! Tea looked disappointed. Who let her go anyway? Kaiba no doubt. Lucky for me Kaiba's gay. TTTTEEEAAAAAA! HAVE SEX WITH ME!

Audience: (o.O)

WHAT? It's not like Ishizu let me have sex freely when I was younger! Hell, I wasn't even able to get a Play Boy from the market! I did get a glimpse of her body. Nothing special like TEA'S!!! Tea's in nicely curved and sexy as fuck! Come and fuck me Tea! You know you want innocent little Namu! MWAHAAHAHAHA!!

That bastard Bakura...Grr...How dare he!

#Flashback#

"I have one more thing." Bakura told me.

"Ok." I replied, bored as hell.

"I want you to get Gardener in bed with me."

"WHAT! Screw that, albino boy, she's mine!"

"NO WAY ARE YOU FUCKING HER, I AM!!!"

"NO, I AM!!"

#End#

And then we proceeded in beating the shit out of each other, which came out as a draw. I should have won though!! DAMN ALBINO BOY AND HIS 24 WORKOUT MEMBERSHIP! (DIS: lol) Well, there Kaiba goes, that egotistical gay-ass, Pharaoh-fucking bastard. I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR INTELLIGENCE, KAIBA!!! Wait, I don't I would want that.

One) The Pharaoh might want to sleep with me

Two) I would have a huge head like Kaiba

Three) I might get egotistical like Kaiba

Four) I might come out as a know-it-all

Five) TEA MIGHT NOT WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME!!!!

Five is the biggest one. Well this plan screwed over, time to pay the Tomb Robber a visit.

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DIS: (grins) Lots of Malik/Tea in there and there is the fact of Bakura wanting to sleep with Tea hanging in the air. Hehehe, I am really sorry for not updating for years and everything, and I have no excuse. I pretty much almost forgot about it. I was actually going to update something else, but why not update this? I hope it was long and humorous enough for you all. Did you enjoy it? Was it good, bad, ok, sucked entirely, wonderful? Review and tell me! PLEASE SEND IN IDEAS! This popped out of no where.

Y/M: This was pretty perverted for a 13 year old.

DIS: Yeah...(eyes him)

Y/M: Don't even think about it, you little pervert.

DIS: (grins) Hehehe...Just a thought.

Y/M: (XX)

DIS: Don't worry, I'm not as perverted as I appear—

Janice: ::comes in:: Bull shit, you are too! If it wasn't illegal, you would go around slapping cute guys butts!

DIS (OO) WHAT? I would not! (looks at Y/M) Maybe only Y/M or/and Malik look alikes. Or/And Bakura look alikes.

Janice: ::OO: I should've known.

DIS: yes you should have. (grins evilly at Y/M)

Y/M: Don't look at me like that, DIS....DIS??! AWWW!!! (runs)

DIS: (chases him with a whip and hand cuffs) COME BACK! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

Y/M: THE HELL IF IT ISN'T!!!

Janice: ::shakes head:: Review and send in ideas for my perverted friend...::watches DIS and Y/M:: Can I get a martini here?


	5. Mayday, mayday, gay grandpa alert!

DIS: Welcome back to 'What really happened in Battle City'! Thanks to everyone who reviewed! (hugs reviewers) You all know who you are! (winks) Ahem, now, I am updating this quicker than before because I have an idea for this!

Malik: And I know what it is. WHY ME?

DIS: Cos you're so cute. (Smiles) Anyway, read below.

WARNING!!! MORE PERVERTED THINGS THAT INVOLVE GRANDPA'S! AND IT MAY NOT BE PRETTY! OH AND THIS IS IN BAKURA'S POV...WELL MOST OF IT! THANK YOU!

Bakura's POV

My vessels body has been violated...My fucking Ra, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GRANDPA?

"Ungh, ungh, ungh." I am looking through this glass to the other world and not my soul room. Currently the old man was humping my unconscious body...I'll never live another day like this...This is so fucking disgusting...Ew.

"WHAT THE FUCK? I didn't know that old man was a pedophile." I turned to see the asshole who wants MY TEA, standing in front of me. Er...Floating.

Malik's POV

Fucking albino ass-wipe, who fucks grandpa's... 'Oh Yugi's grandpa, fuck me! Fuck me hard!' (shudders)Ooh, that is plain down nasty. Bad image...

'Hahahahaha!'

Fucking yami...We'll see how he likes fucking grandpa's humping his guts out...

"Fuck you, Malik!"

Asshole. Does he not know that TEA IS MINE! (does a pose like Kaiba's)

"I'm not a grandpa-fucker like (cough) someone I know." I gave him a wary look, flames in my eyes. He glared at me and closed the glass bubble thingy he uses.

"shut the hell up, sissy-boy." He hissed at me. "What do you want anyway?"

"Well, unfortunately, I lost the duel to the gay-ass Pharaoh. And that's being literal, mind you."

"Uh huh."

"So, you need to get 6 locator cards by tonight!"

"Oh." I tapped my foot. Mother of Isis, he's slow! He probably raped the mother of Isis for all I know...Yuck. "Alright, that should be a synch."

"Right." I said, rolling my eyes. He's as bad as that fucking asshole, Kaiba. 'Ooh, look at me! I molested Mokuba, tee-hee.' He, Pharaoh and Mokuba probably had a threesome in the helicopter. MY RA! That's exactly what happened!

Malik's view of what happened in the helicopter

'Well, since the three of us are alone...' Mokuba looked at them, indicating what he meant.

'I agree! Let's fuck!' Kaiba said.

'Ooh! Incest is SO sexy!' Yami squealed like a little gay-fucker (A/N: Still in Malik's POV) 'You guys go first, then Kaiba and I, then all three! Then Kaiba and me again!' Yami fluttered his eyelashes at Kaiba (A/N: I think Yami IS gay, cos you know how him and Yugi are all, 'I believe in you' and crap? (nods)) and Kaiba licked his lips. So, Mokuba and Kaiba did it, then Kaiba and Yami did it, then all three did it and right when Kaiba and Yami were about to cum, the helicopter was landing, so they stopped fucking.

Done with Malik's little tale 

Disgusting...They all are fucking disgusting! AND THAT MORON JOEY WANTED YUGI TO FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT!

"What do you mean by rolling your eyes, Malik?" THE BASTARDS SHALL DIE! Oh, not Tea though. "Malik!" Tea is hot... "MALIK!" I'm horny. (O.O)

"MALIK!!"

"WWWHHAAATTTT?!?!?!" I shouted. Bakura's hair was standing on end. He's a friggin, uh, fuckin dog!

"What do you mean by rolling your eyes?" What the hell is that idiot talking about? Oh no, did I roll my eyes? I don't even remember. Uh, better say something intelligent...

"The Earth's rotation around the sun will soon stop and we will all come to a firey demise!"

"(O.o) What the fuck are you talking about?"

I thought it was intelligent...It is the truth, though. I know that much...

"OH BABY!" Both Bakura and I winced, knowing what just happened out in the other world...Grandpa just orgasmed...Nasty.

"Right, hurry the hell up with the locator cards. I expect to see you at the finals." And I left back to wherever I was going...I forget.

Bakura's POV

What a prick. And thanks ya asshole, but I already knew that the Earth was going to blow up one day. Moron...

Well, Grandpa is off of me...Sweating, naked and panting like he really did just fuck someone. I might as well go while I still can (shrugs)

"OH! Ryou, you're awake!"

"Why the FUCK are you naked?"

"Um..."

"And why am I in SOMEONE'S" I glared at him. "cum?"

"Er...I don't...know?" He gave a sheepish grin.

"Bastard." And I sent him to the Shadow Realm. Good, that's where an old gay cook needs to me, Ra dammit!

What a fucked-up graveyard. I can't believe that people are supposed to be AFRAID of this place...Where the hell are the duelists? If that ugly-ass boy lied to me, I'm going let him know what it feels like having a Man-Eating bug rape him.

"WoOoOoOoO!!" I raised an eyebrow. Whoop-dee-doo, you can say 'Woo' and put on a monster mask. I sighed and took one of them by the arm, twisting it back.

"What is this?" I asked more out of irony than curiosity. Seriously, who would do such a stupid act. "What stupid fuck's idea was this?"

All "monsters": (sweat drop) Eh?

"Idiots." I threw the one guy down and crossed my arms, waiting for a more intelligent reply from one of them. Mortals these days ARE stupid fucks.

"What the hell? How dare you call us stupid fucks, mate!" One of them took of his mask to reveal red, ugly hair. He looks like Showside Bob off of 'The Simpsons'. Hmm...I took out my dagger just in case he was showside Bob.

"Well, you obviously aren't intelligent, ya moron!" A ghostly shrimp said.

"Ew, what the hell are you? A fucking zombie?" I asked, holding my dagger tight. Maybe one of them WAS a zombie.

"WHAT! I'm Bone's, the graveyard duelist!" He scoffed. Well, there really isn't anything to scoff about, since he's so ugly and shit.

"Now, I KNOW the doctor slapped your mom when you were born." I mumbled to him. His eyes bulged.

"WHY YOU FUCKING, {CENSORED} REKNOB!" His two friends held him back and I watched. It was really amusing to see a little midget struggling against two larger boys. He can almost get away. That says SOMETHING. Hehehe...

"How about we settle this with a duel? All for all."

"WHAT? No way! I have 5 locator cards, all I need is one more."

"True, but the finals are near, so...How about it?"

"Er...Fine!

"HELP! HELP! IT'S SUCKING MY {CENSORED}"

"WHAT? YOURS IS SO TINY! NO ONE WOULD WANT IT, BONES!"

"SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING MORON, YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANY!!"

(-.-) What idiots. The more they struggle, the faster the shadows eat them...Oh well, I'm off to the finals, mwahahaha!

!  
  
DIS: Not as funny as I would have hoped, mainly because it wasn't in Malik's POV and all. Anyway, the next chapter shall be out soon, I promise! Oh and everyone, when Yami Malik aka Marik takes over, it will be MUCH more hilarious!--Cuz I love that hot, sexy bishi! YEAH! (sweat drops) Anyways, please review. More the reviews, the faster I update! And how untruthful is that? (sweat drops) lol, Ja!


	6. Aw god, Marik's arriving?

DIS: Hey everyone! I'm back with 'What really happened in Battle City'! Despite the fact that Battle City is over, I plan on keeping this fic. I have plans for it after all. Plus, I'm not even much interested in the 3rd season, 'Waking the Dragons'. It's not very interesting. (-.-)

Marik: (comes in, eating a fudge bar)

DIS: (snatches thee bar from him) Anyways, I got another idea for this, hahaha! (eats bar and hands stick to Marik)

Marik: (stares at stick and fumes) DIS!!

DIS: Yes?

Marik: This was the last Radamn one!

DIS: Really? Sorry about that. (shrugs) Enjoy!

-

_Malik's POV_

Damn stupid Kaiba...

"So, do you understand the plan, Mr. Masturbator?" I asked Rishid, glaring at him.

"Master Malik...please, don't rub that in my face."

"Well maybe if you got a girl you wouldn't have to rub your small—uh...well do you or do you not understand the plan?!"

"Yes...Master Malik..."

"Good!" Aw shit, Kaiba heard us. Stupid gay fag...I wouldn't be surprised if he was the one who masturbates. "Come on, before that gay-ass CEO finds us." I stood up and Rishid stood up. I took a step and he slammed right into me, the moron!

"RISHID" I hissed at him, falling flat on my face.

"Sorry Master Malik."

"THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT AND YOU KNOW VERY WELL IT ISN'T!"

"Uh...what are you talking about?" He asked nervously. Stupid prick, I'm ashamed to call him my brother.

"Go take care of your Radamn problem and make it fast!" I growled at him and glared. How could rub against me like that?! I've been molested!! SICK!

"(X X) Yes, Master M-Malik." I grabbed him by the collar and he gulped.

"And if you ever, _ever_ put me in that position again, I swear—RISHID! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?" He blinked and gave a sheepish look towards me. I cringed and threw him ahead of me. He stumbled away and hurried behind him. He halted and I crashed into him. "STUPID ASS! What, were you trying to get a feel?!"

"MASTER MALIK!" He gasped out in horror. Oh for Ra's sake, don't make it sound as though we're having sex...THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT KAIBA THINKS! Horny, porn-loving, gay-boy...(glare)

"Well, GO!" he started to run ahead at that and I followed him, tripping over dirt clogs. Once we were out, Kaiba turned on the stupid bright lights. Ha, ha! Missed us! (sticks tongue out).

"(X.X) Master...Malik...?" I blinked and glared at him, pulling my tongue back in. Hmm, maybe I should get my tongue pierced? (thinks dirty thoughts)

Ok, anyways, looks like those asses are here. Excluding Anzu, of course. Beautiful, beautiful, Tea. Hehehe...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...Ra these people are annoying! Except Anzu of course.

"Ok, you stay here while I go out there, alright, Rishid?" I said to him, irritated with his grimacing.

"Yes Master Malik." He said nervously.

"What the hell is your problem?!"  
  
"I need to go." 

"Go where?"

"Somewhere...To get a, uh, blow job or something." WHAT? A BLOW JOB? I swear my eyes must have bulged out, because he was holding his breath.

"Rishid..." I said, short of breath. "I don't care how horny and gay you are, just don't bring blow jobs up with me!"

"But Master Malik—"

"NO!" I stormed away from him and went towards the fools that were talking stupidly—except Tea.

"Hey Namu!" Joey, that disobedient fool, came up to me, beaming. Tea turned and smiled as well.

"Namu, you made it to the finals!" Stupid gay-ass Yugi was so busy staring at that stupid CEO's ass, he didn't notice me. Ha, ha, you retard! I SHALL HAVE YOU OBLITERATED! Aw, dammit, he noticed me. "This is Namu, Yugi." Tea said, smiling at me. Fuck me, Tea, hehehe...You know you want innocent little Namu! HAHAHAHA! (coughs) Ugh, I need some cough drops or something...

"Hi, my name's Yugi!" 'Hi, I'm Yugi the fag! I like men and dick, do you want to offer yours to me?' is what I heard.

"Wow, you're Yugi Mutoh? I'm Namu, it's an honor to meet you!" 'You're my prey, little Yugi and I am about to fuck you up good. It's me, Malik and you'll regret giving me your innocent Tea! Hahahaha!' is what I meant.

"Hehehe, thanks." 'So do you want to fuck some time?' is exactly what he meant. 'I'll buy the lube.'

"Oh, but I'm being honest!" 'I'm not kidding you stupid Kaiba-lover.'

"Well, this is Mai, Serenity, Duke, and Tristan." 'I don't care much for these wenches, Mai and Serenity, but I did suck Duke and Tristan once...'

"Lovely to meet you all." 'I'm going to kill you all once I get the chance.' At the point, that prick Bakura entered.

"Ryou?!" They all exclaimed. No, Bakura, you reknobs! I SHOULD KILL YOU ALL FOR BEING STUPID!—except Tea of course. Ra how I hate stupid people!

"Hey there, old chaps!" Bakura greeted, posing as Ryou. Good, the fool is keeping his end of the—"Hello Tea."—bargain............I'LL KILL HIM FOR HITTING ON MY GIRL! Grr...She's mine you ass!

"Hi Ryou, are you sure you're ok??"

"Of course I am! Just seeing you all makes me better!" Would Ryou really say something that corny? (silence) A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A MORON! I don't think Ryou is like a Radamn Mr. Rogers! (snickers) Man! I didn't think I could laugh any harder! Ah...

"Aw that's sweet!" Mai chirped. Then, Rishid entered, posing as me. Let's see how people take that, hehehe...

"It's Malik..." Yugi whispered.

"Eh?" Joey looked away from Ryou at that. I eyed Rishid. Did he go masturbate? I saw a bead of sweat roll down his forehead. I take that to my advantage.

"HEY THERE BUDDY!" I exclaim WAY too happily and clap him on the back. "You look lonely, now doesn't he?"

"Um, Namu? That's Malik." Tea said uncertainly and pulling me away from Rishid.

"Malik? Ohhhhhhh! I had no idea." And they have no idea that I'm Malik! Perfect!

"That's ok." Tea said, holding my arm tightly. Hey wait a minute...(O.O) Well, maybe she really does want innocent Namu? She's pressing my arm between her breasts and I obviously am not the only person who noticed...Mai and Serenity are glaring at her. (X.X) I wanted Tea to want me, not the slut and the 13-year-old girl! I'm not some kind of pedophile! My Ra! I prefer older women...well, excluding Tea, of course.

/Moron, it's obvious. And stop excluding the wench from everything!/ 

And you shut the hell up, Marik.

_/You shut the hell up!/_

I don't have time for your shit!

_/Then tell those bitches to fuck off or something! They're making me uncomfortable./_

Making _you_ uncomfortable? My Ra, man! I'm the one who should be uncomfortable, stupid nimrod!

_/Just for that, when I get the chance, I'm going to take over my body./_

It's my body, you ass!

...(silence)

Oh good, he's gone. He's such an ass.

-

Well this is pretty boring. When will anything happen? (sigh)

Knock, knock.

I'm jumping for joy...NOT.

I got up and answered the door. I blinked. Oh for Ra's sake...

"Hi Namu." Mai said.

"Hi?"

"Can I come in your room?" (O.O) Lay off, woman!!

"Well, you see, you can't because...Oh look at the time!" I slammed the door in the stupid blondes face.

_**(Later)**_

Knock, knock 

If that's her again...

"Yes?" I stared down and my eyes went wide.

"Hi!" Serenity chirped to me.

"Um, hi."

"Aren't you a shy thang? Can I come in?"

"I'm about to, uh, take a shower."

"Ooh, can I come with you?"

"NO YOU CANNOT!" I slammed the door shut, my eyes wide. For Ra's sake, I know I'm good-looking, no one needs to tell me! Or show me...

_**(Even later...)**_

Knock, knock!

Ok, cautiously...

"YES?"

"Hi Namu." Oh thank the god's of Egypt! It's Tea!

"Hi Tea." I said brightly. "Want to come in?"

"Sure!" I let her in and shut the door. Perfect! A place for perfect sex...Mwahahaha!

"So...what did you want?" I asked innocently.

"Did Serenity and Mai come to your room?" She asked in the same innocent tone I had. What the hell?

"Yeah..." I said slowly.

"They did, did they?" She turned to me now.

"Um, yes...?"

"Well...I won't allow anyone to have what I deserve!" WHAT? What the fuck is she talking about? She isn't about to castrate me, is she? SHIT!

"What do you, er, deserve Tea?" She looked at me like I was stupid. Maybe I was...(O.O) And then something scary happened...She threw me on the bed. RAPE!

-

I'm so sated...Yet pissed. That dumbass Bakura lost the duel...Damn him to hell! Now Rishid is dueling that idiot Joey. Now all he has to do is summon the Winged Dragon of Ra. Mwahahaha!

_**(Later)**_

Well this sucks shit...Marik's trying to get through. HOW COULD HE?! HE NEVER KEEPS HIS WORD, WHY MUST HE NOW?!?!

_/Because you pissed me off! Ha! NOW PREPARE TO GO TO THE SHADOW REALM!/_

Dammit, I should've known this was going to happen. Ra hates me...

-

DIS: Not as funny as I had hoped it would be, but now it will be in Marik's POV! Next chapter, it will be in Marik's POV because, well, he's in charge of Malik's body now. Well, please review and I'll be sure to update! Ideas are appreciated. See ya'll.


	7. Mai is so annoying

DIS: I am back with another chapter of 'What really happened in Battle City'! And I am so happy! (cries) I got so many reviews for just that one chapter! (oO) I seriously didn't know people liked this fic so much...(shrug) Well, enjoy!

-

_(Marik's POV)_

These idiots really annoy me to such ends...(-.-) What the hell? Why is the Pharaoh looking at me like that? Oh Ra, don't tell me he's trying to decide between me or Kaiba. (U.U) Dammit! He's so fucking annoying! And gay...AW GROSS! He's eyeing me...Help me Ra! I glared over at Kaiba. He's the cause of it, damn him. Well on the other hand, if the Pharaoh was looking at Tea that way, then I might have to kill him. And then rule the world. HAHAHA! I need to get some different clothes, these don't suit my taste.

-

Ah, much better. Let's see...What's on my list today? Oh I know! TO DESTROY RISHID! MWAHAHAHAHA! I crept sneakily to his room and—Aw dammit, a doctor. I know what to do with this fool, hehehe.

"Ahem." I cleared my throat and changed my M. Rod to a dagger behind my back.

"Yes?"

"I'll be taking that!"

-

"...But I mean, her clothes are so out-dated. So should I see if these holograms can change clothes? Cause I totally think that she needs to change her clothes. And I mean, totally!" What the hell is this blonde slut babbling about? I just want to send her to the Shadow Realm! "Oh man, I can't see Tea so I can't ask her. So, what do you think Marik? Oh you so totally wouldn't know. I'm actually thinking of getting implants, cause my breasts are so TINY!" (OO) Tiny? What the fuck does she mean tiny? That shirt can barely contain them! (X.X) "And I mean, guys are so unattracted to flat-chested girls. And I mean, what the hell? I should be a porn star. I mean, I'm not a virgin and I'd make loads of money." Wait a minute, is she stalling me? THE BITCH SHALL DIE! How did she change the subject like that? I turned my head and nearly started to wretch. Aw god, is that the Pharaoh licking his lips at Kaiba. OH FOR THE LOVE OF RA! Kaiba's wagging his tongue at him. (Shudders) Radamn, that isn't something us straight people want to—"So, I was thinking of the color blue, but then I'd have to die my eyes blue too, huh? Is that even possible?"

"(-.-) Shut the fuck up, your annoying bitch!" I shouted at her finally.

"HEY! That's mean! Joey!" She turned and then I noticed the idiot blonde was masturbating...towards Kaiba... "JOEY??!?!?" She started to cry at that. I raised my eyebrows at her. "HE'S GAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!"

"No duh, so are all those guys down there." I told her, unfazed by her stupid blubbering. She started to wail then. Oh please, shut UP! My Ra, no wonder Malik was going insane by these idiots!

"A-anyway, (sniff), I think that I should die my hair and make it purple, because purple is my favorite color. You know how people go around and call us yellow-haired chicks dumb blondes? Well that is so rude. I should do a protest. They should make it against the law to call us that! I mean, redheads are so much stupider than we blondes are! Us blondes are unique. And we are so better in bed. I don't normally use protection, so I probably at STD's. I'll die eventually. I wonder if I'll go to heaven or to hell? Probably hell. Then I'd screw Satin down there. He will so want me to, don't you agree? Yeah, I think so too. And I think God would want me to screw Him too. I am just so fucking sexy. Why, if guys knew me, they'd wish that they weren't gay! And I mean, really literally. My favorite food is bananas. I like the way they feel in my mouth. It tastes so nice and almost like a man's sex organ and—" (O.O) This slut is starting to scare the fuck out of me now...She's talking way too fast and too much. Is she on some kind of drug or what? Ugh, I need to smoke. This duel is getting NO WHERE. "—cos bananas are nice and smooth and kind of wet when you take the peeling off of them, so it's really like a man's—" FOR RA'S SAKES, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS!!! I am never eating another banana in all my life...EVER. Oh and look, those gay asses are entertained by what she's saying. (-.-) Typical. They look horny too. But I'm not going to check... "—but I mean, come on! If you're a virgin, then go find a guy to fuck you." (O.O''') "Like take Tea for instance. She just fucked Malik last night because she wanted a good fuck. I don't know whether she was a virgin before that, but I'm pretty sure Yami wanted to screw her before hand. And I mean, that says something, doesn't it? Yeah, it definitely says that they are so not meant for each other. It's too bad that Malik fucked her first. What a lucky guy. I once screwed Tea before. She was a pretty good beginner. We did just oral, because women can't fuck as you know."

"ALRIGHT ENOUGH!" I shouted. "Can we _please_ just duel and get this OVER WITH?!?!"

"Well, yeah, sure, whatever."

_Later in the duel..._

(-.-) I'm going to rip out all of the Pharaoh's internal organs and eat them...How dare he block off my attack! Either way, that babbling slut is in the Shadow Realm. Well, er, kind of.

"I think that I need those implants even more now. I mean, I think that the Shadow Magic took off some cleavage." Why the fuck won't her soul go in the Shadow Realm?! Or maybe she's too annoying...(-.-) "Can I bring a dildo or a vibrator to the Shadow Realm? I want to at least fuck myself. Or a monster there." Oh dear Ra...

-

DIS: I am so sorry for it being so short! () I promise to make it longer next time! For now, I need to find out which duel is after Mai and Marik's. Does anyone know? Anyway, please review and tell me how you liked it! And I could use some ideas at this point! See ya!


	8. BONUS chapter

DIS: Okay, I need your guys' help. I know that most of you said that after Mai and Yami Malik it was Kaiba and Isis, but!—KawaiiLil-InuGurl said it was Yami Malik and Yami Bakura (Bakura) so now I am totally confused! And because I don't which duel it is, I'm making a bonus chapter. It's called 'What Yami Malik does in his spare time'. Enjoy!

Warning: Very boring, yet funny.

-

"…………"

Still on the bed.

"……………."

Still.

"…………"

Uh, hasn't moved.

"……….."

Er, still there on the bed.

"…….(twitch)……….."

(cough) Still...

"………………………"

Okay! So there's the wonderful spare time of Yami Malik. Oh yeah, (whisper) by the way, he was awake the whole time!

-

DIS: (sweat drop) I know, not much of a bonus, but hey! What the hell? Lol. Well, please review (like you would want to) and tell me who dueled first: Isis and Kaiba or Yami Malik and Yami Bakura (Bakura). See ya!


	9. Marik vs Bakura and Malik

DIS: I couldn't think of anything funny for the duel between Kaiba and Isis, so I'm just going to do the duel between Bakura and Marik. Enjoy!

-

All my evil laughing is getting old. I need a new evil laugh.

"Hey stupid!" Bakura called over to me. I swear I'm about to devour his brains in a millisecond.

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Why don't you?"

"Because I have Anzu for that."

"HEY, ANZU'S MY BITCH!" Malik shouted at me possessively. Fuck that, that little chicken ass can get himself a different whore, Anzu's mine.

"No, Anzu's mine!" Bakura snapped at Malik.

"She's mine, you nimrods!" I snapped at them.

"BULLSHIT SHE IS!" They both growled at me. I glared at them and we lunged at each other.

-

Ow, Bakura hits hard. Now I have a black eye. Damn him to hell.

"I thought you knew all the secrets to Ra, Malik?" Bakura whispered to pathetic other half.

"Well obviously you thought wrong because I didn't know all the secret of Ra, therefore I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that you thought that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew I knew that he knew I didn't know the Ra-damn secrets of Ra." Malik ended, breathing hard.

Silence……

What the fuck did Malik just say?

"What the hell are you talking about?" Bakura asked, his eyebrows knitting together. Damn, the Shadow Realm is kind of cold.

"Wow, you guys are in the Shadow Realm too?"

(OO) I know that annoying voice! I looked up and saw the hourglass I put Mai in and she was smiling at us.

"Hey, isn't that the bitch you sent to the Shadow Realm, Marik?" Bakura asked.

"Er, not exactly." I said awkwardly. "The Shadow Realm didn't exactly "accept" her."

"(oO)"

"So anyway, it's pretty cold out there, so I came in here, cos it's warm, ya know?" Mai told us. "I lost my way in here, though, so I had to go out and see where I was supposed to go. Then, I found the door and fell in here. Then, all of a sudden, sand came down like a warm blanket. I mean, how lucky am I? I guess someone got horny from me. I mean, I _am_ too sexy, ain't I?" Oh Ra, I hate this wench. "I mean, why would you, like, send me to a cold place, Marik? I mean, I am so sexy and hot, don't you get hard just by looking at me? I mean, I am so hotter than Shizuka and Anzu. And like, you don't seem to understand! I am way too sexy for Domino. All the bitches there, er, here, no _there_ are so ugly! I mean, aren't I the cutest of all? Like, you 3 are quiet. Why aren't you talking?"

"(-.-) Make your move, you two." I told Bakura and Malik, attempting to ignore Mai.

"Okay."

"—Do you remember when I summoned Ra? How it was in a popcorn ball? It looked so tasty. I mean, to think that Ra would look like a popcorn ball. Speaking of which, I once—"

"—in defense mode."

"—and it was really scary, cos I didn't know what to do. I mean, the Goth was all, glaring at me—"

-

Well, Malik and Bakura are gone, but...

"And, I mean, what if there really was a hangnail? Like, what would I have _done_? It was so creepy too."

"Marik!"

Great, now the Pharaoh is here.

"What?" I asked, glaring over at him.

"But I, mean, why would they do that? Don't they have some special treatment for hangnails?"

"(-.-)"

"Mai!" Yami gasped.

"Hi hon." Mai greeted shortly, then resumed her annoying yapping. "And like, it would be, almost, like, 40 maybe? Oh! I used to have a boyfriend that was a celebrity, did you know that? Yeah and he is SO small. I bet you're big. What, are you, like, 8 ½ inches?" I sighed and turned to the shocked Pharaoh.

"Where is Ryou?"

"You tell _me _what happens to someone who loses to a Shadow Duel."

"Duel?" Yami repeated and drew a sword out of Ra knows where. "DUEL!"

Slice.

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!" I boomed after he sliced my cape off.

"Yeah, what did Mario do to you?" Mai demanded. Did she just call me Mario? That little bitch! I do not have a fucking mustache and I am a helluva lot hotter than that asshole.

"Mario?" Yami repeated, blinking. "Um, are you 8 ½ inches, Marik? Cos Kaiba's only 8 inches." Ra-dammit!

-

DIS: Mai is so annoying in this fic, lol. Poor Marik, being mistaken for Mario. And now Yami's hitting on him! XD! Well, please review and thanks goes to WesternUniversityChick for the idea of the whole sword dueling. Ciao.


	10. AUGH!

DIS: I just re-read my last chapter...(o.o) And about laughed myself to my grave.

Marik: Gee, why doesn't that surprise me?

DIS: I dunno, why?

Marik: YOU MADE MAI MISTAKE ME FOR FUCKIN' MARIO!

DIS: Oh...(starts snickering)

Marik: (-.-)

X

Mario? Mario? MARIO? WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT!

"Like, Mario, are you okay? Like, Luigi is trying to, like, hit on you, like, ya know?" (OO) Luigi? HAHAHA! The Pharaoh's fuckin' Luigi! Hehehe...

"Luigi?" Yami repeated, glancing behind him. "Luigi's green and Mario's red, Mai."

"Like, you're probably, really, like, small, huh Luigi?"

"(-.-) Why should I be?"

"Because, you're like, short, and like, ya know, ugly."

"(OO) I AM NOT UGLY!" Yami whipped out a mirror and touched his face tenderly. "I am beautiful." The hell if he is. I'll be damned if the Pharaoh's even _cute_. Ugh!

"I agree with you, Mai, the Pharaoh is most definitely an ugly shorty." I told her, nodding.

"Like, I knew you would, like, Mario!"

"(twitch) I AM NOT MARIO!"

"Like, if you're not, like, Mario, then like, who are you?"

"YOU STUPID BLONDE!"

"Like, are you Luigi? Or, like, are you...Donkey Kong?"

"(oO) Donkey Kong?" Both the Pharaoh and I said at the same time.

"Like, I know who you are! You're like, Yoshi!" Who...The fuck...IS YOSHI?

"Isn't Yoshi a green dinosaur?" Yami muttered.

"A WHAT!" I glared at Mai, who just smiled.

"Like, no, you're no a like, mammal, you're like...I know who you are! You're Link, right?" Aw, fuck, now she thinks I'm that elf from Zelda... "No, like, you're Zelda. Yeah! Zelda!"

"Zelda's a girl."

"Buffy, then?"

"NO! DAMMIT, I AM THE MOST FEARED PERSON IN THE WORLD, MARIK!"

"Like, Marik? That name like, _so _does not, like suit you! Like, your name should so totally be Mario! Mario or Link. Or Luigi. Luigi's, like, so sexy!"

"(o.o) Whatever, slut, I don't even want to know what goes through your head."

"Like, yeah you, like, do! I mean, who, like, _wouldn't_? I am, like, after all, smarter than, like, Einstein! Duh!"

"If the Shadow Realm doesn't swallow her up here in a minute, I am going to kill her..."

"As annoying as she is, she is my friend, therefore, you cannot hurt Mai!" Yami declared.

"Shut up, Yami, you hate her as much as I."

"Yeah, but I have to play hero."

"That's why you should join Darth Vader and me."

"(oO) Who's Darth Vader? Wait, that's Anikan's rival! And I am Anikan's father!"

"Darth Vader is his father."

"No way!"

"Yes way."

"No way!"

"Yes way"

"No way!"

"Yes way"

"NO WAY!"

"YES WAY!"

"I thought I was his father...(o.o)"

"WELL YOU'RE NOT!"

"Like, stop ignoring me, Mario!" Mai spoke up suddenly.

"MY NAME ISN'T FUCKING MARIO!"

"Like, yeah it is!"

"No it isn't!

"Like, YEAH, it is!"

"NO IT ISN'T, DAMMIT!"

"Like, shut up! If you weren't, like, so hot, I would like, so hurt you!"

"Oh, shut _up_!"

"Like, no thank you!"

Marik growled, gnashing his teeth together at her stupidity.

"Um...I'm leaving now...We'll just say we argued and I won." Yami inched into the elevator.

"Aw, hell no! He isn't leaving me with this stupid blonde!" Marik shoved into the elevator, leaving Mai alone.

"Hmm...Like, as I was saying, hangnails hurt, like, sooo much and..."

And so Mai never shut up...

X

DIS: Poor Marik – I mean, Mario. Hehehe...Does anyone know what the next duel is? Or do they go to Alcatraz Island from here? Or maybe is this where they meet Noah? (blinks) Isn't that the same thing...? (shrug) Please review!


	11. Noah, Bananas, Donuts, and Donut Holes

DIS: I am back! And I would like to thank Tormented Inoccence, Eternal Eyes, DangerousandDemonicDevil, DarkAngel4u, and Melody of live for reviewing! Also, for this, I know that Marik isn't in the Noah part, but he is for me! Then again, it wouldn't matter since everything's so screwed up, lol. Well, enjoy!

X

Oh, look, we're being attacked. How nice is that? No, serious, how nice is that? If I'm lucky the ship will be blown up and I can laugh in their faces from my position in hell. Wait, that might be good, cos then Mai might be hell and I'd have to deal with her...And I seriously hate her. Seriously. She called me fuckin' MARIO! MARIO AND DONKEY KONG AND A HELL OF A LOT OF OTHER FUCKIN' THINGS! The bitch shall die! I'll make sure of it! I would right now, but I'm on the toilet. (pause) _Flush! _There, maybe I'll take care of her in a few minutes...Actually, no, because she'll be calling me Mario again! MARIO, RA-FUCKING-DAMMIT! DAMN HER! DAMN HER TO HELLLLL!

_Knock, knock_.

"WHAT!" I snap out.

"I need to use da toilet, man..."

"YOU CAN WAIT, YOU YANKEE-WANNA BE!" Now where was I? Oh yes, Mai is a –

_Sniff...Sob, sob...Whine._

Aw, hell no! Is that mutt _crying _out there? CRYING? What the hell is wrong with him?

"You're a grown man, stop crying, you wimp!" I shout out at him.

"But Yami and Kaiba don't want me anymore. They prefer each other now. And...and...they don't wanna have threesomes with me! WAAA!" Oh, Ra, why did you leave me on a ship with insignificant fools? Especially this one! What is wrong with these people? CRYING! And then Mai, she wanted Ra-damn implants when her shirt can barely hold the jugs she has now! "...And Yuugi is eloping with Mokuba after all of this is done..." (oO) What? Yuugi's gay _too_! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD, FOR RA SAKES!

I slammed the door open and it hit the Yankee-wanna be who was crying on all fours.

"Marik," he whimpered pathetically. "Will you spank me?"

(OO) WHAT THE HELL DID HE JUST ASK ME?

"DO I LOOK GAY TO YOU?"

"You don't have to take my pants off like Kaiba used to, just spank me right now."

"(OO) NO!"

"Please? PLEASE MARIK, PLEASE?"

"What are you doing?" Kaiba suddenly demanded, coming from a room. "Are you spanking my Jou?" _Oh _shit.

"No, I was not – "

"You were going to spank my Jou! Oh, _hell_ no! No pretty boy is going to spank my Jounouchi-kun." This doesn't look too good for me...

"I'm straight for Ra sakes!" I bleated, trying to calm Kaiba down. But _noo_, Jou was making it worse and you know how? He shoved his face right in my crotch. RIGHT IN MY _CROTCH_ – and started sniffing! LIKE A DOG!

"You smell sexy, Marik," Jou told me.

"Get off of me, you homo!" I shoved Jou off, but he grabbed my legs and we were thrown onto Kaiba.

"(gasp!) Are you on _my_ Kaiba?" Yami asked, appearing out of nowhere. _Fuck_, where did _he_ come from!

"No, I tripped, Pharaoh," I said, shoving Jou off my legs.

"Come on, Marik, you smell nice!"

"That's what a lot of women say, you ignorant dog, and I _like_ women, not men!"

"But with men you can do all sorts of kinky things in bed! Want me to show you?"

"No, I do not want you to! Now _get away from me_!" I kicked Jou in the face and he fell against Kaiba again, this time his face in _Kaiba's_ crotch. Good. That's where it belongs.

"Hungh?" Kaiba blinked, then grinned. "Ahh, Jou."

"KAIBA!" Yami shrieked, snuffling. "I thought...I thought you loved _me_?"

"Yeah, well," Kaiba shrugged. "Jou's bigger." Yami ran down the hall, crying. Oh, boo-hoo, cry us a river you homo...

X

Who the hell are these guys? Okay, so far, I know that bastard is Mr. Skinny, that's Mr. Leader, that's Mr...Well, he looks like a Penguin, so Mr. Penguin and that dude is Mr...Metal, I guess. He looks gray like metal. And that dude is Mr. Who, because I don't know whom the fuck he is. And what is it with them? They're all wearing pizza or donut shirts.

"So, blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah." The sad thing about what he just said is that that's what he actually said... "Oh and I forgot – DONUTS AND PIZZA RU-ULE! Not only do you get fat by them, but," Mr. Penguin gave a squeal, jumping up and down, "THEY TASTE GOOD! TEE-HEE!" Oh Ra..._Oh Ra_. This does not bode well. Especially when they're handed out donuts to us. "Wanna donut, pumpkin pie who's _shy_?" Mr. Who giggled, offering a donut. I took the box and growled, before shoving donuts down his throat.

"DO I LOOK SHY TO YOU? HUH? AND I FUCKIN' HATE PUMPKIN PIE YOU BASTARD!" He was just choking on the donuts, clawing at the air.

"Pizza?" Mr. Penguin offered, grinning.

"Yes," I took the whole pizza and smashed it, smearing it all over Mr. Who.

(silence)

(BARF)

That was disgusting...And he almost puked on me.

X

This kid is ugly and annoying. Why hasn't he died yet? Oh Ra...Oh Ra, please don't tell me that duel monster card...That was a ship...Isn't actually...SHIT!

"The ship is actually Richard Simmons!" Kaiba exploded in shock.

"HOLY RA!" Yami and I shouted. I glared at him and he glared back, then started to cry because I gave him the finger.

"And one and two and one and two – come on everyone, let's _work-out! _And one, and two! And one and two! That's it, carefully now! And one, and two, and one, and two!" I'm about to kill this guy here _very_ soon.

"And one, and two, and one and two!" I looked behind me and saw Honda and Otogi following Richard Simmons. Should I kill him or shouldn't I? Normally I would say, 'Decisions, decisions', but hell! I think we all know what needs to be done!

_PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!_

I knew this machine gun would come in handy.

"OH MY _GOD_!" Noah shrieked. "YOU KILLED RICHARD SIMMONS!"

"What's your point?" I ask.

"Oh GOD, you MONSTER, he WAS my IDOL you KNOW that!" Why does he raise his voice after every one word? "You ARE so CRUEL! God GOD!" God GOD? What the _hell_ is wrong with this kids mind? "I shall ATTACK you WITH my DONUTS and BANANAS!"

"I thought it was donuts and pizza?" Shizuka asked, blinking. Oh damn...Does he mean...? "OH MY GOD! IS THAT?"

"It looks like Yami's..." Jou started.

"...hotdog, it looks like a..."

"...Dick and Jane and that looks like..."

"...Remus from Harry Potter? Oh, that looks like a..."

"...BANANA!" I shout as a huge banana and donut came down, then they grew arms and legs.

"What's goin' on here?" The donut that sounded like a girl, asked.

"Yeah, I was having some nice fun with the Donut, ya know?" The banana snapped, then made hip motions that made me get blown into a tall tree...That I couldn't get out of.

"Yeah, that bastard killed Richard Simmons!" Noah pointed to where I was. "WHA – !"

"Noah, I love you and all, but Banana and I like to have hot, hot, hot..."

"...Rex, okay?" Jou said to Honda, finishing their conversation.

"Oh..." Noah snuffled. "Okay."

"Good boy. Now give mummy a kiss," she leaned down with her cheek facing to him. He kissed the sugary donut and white powdered sugar covered his entire face. Good, maybe the hounds will eat him. Stupid kid. NEVER MESS WITH THE ALMIGHTY –

"MARRIIOOO!"

(OO) HOLY MOTHER FUCKIN' SHIT!

"MARRIIOOOOOOO! Where ARREE YOUUU?"

"Mario?" Everyone said.

"Hey, where's my..." Banana began.

"...balls! I want to get my balls, Seto!" Mokuba whined.

_Boing, boing!_

"Aw, donut holes!" Noah laughed at the donut holes. Man, am I hungry...I want some pizza. I shouldn't have wasted it on that moronic Mr. Who. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO HAVE FOOD! (pause) Ra, am I hungry. I wish I had a HUGE cup of coffee with some French toast, bacon, eggs and a cheese omelet, yummmmm.

_Unknown to Marik, the food that he was talking of fell onto Noah, the Donut Holes, Donut, and Banana._

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Who the hell is screaming? I'M TRYING TO FANATASIZE ABOUT FOOD, DAMN YOU TO HELL! (stare) (o.o) Wow, that is a _lot_ of bacon. Ra, I wish a morsel of bacon fell near me! (bacon falls in hand) Yum. (eats bacon) Ra _loves_ me, Pharaoh. HAHAHAHA!

X

"Well, that was an interesting interlude..." Anzu said thoughtfully. I merely ate the orange I found in the refrigerator.

"Damn, I'm still hungry," I mutter.

"Hungry for what?" She asked, grinning. Ha! I knew she had the hots for me!

"I'm going to bed," I say simply.

"Me too!" And she follows me. HAHAHAHAHA! IN YOUR FACE, BAKURA AND MALIK!

X

DIS: (sighs) Finally! I updated! And it was longer than last time, too! Please review and tell me, does the duel that determines who duels who go next?

-Demented Insane Spirit-


	12. Perverted puppies and secrets revealed

DIS: Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it! Curse it all to hell! (pause) I had this frickin' chapter done and it was saved on a floppy, but noo, the mother (bleeping) thing had to go and get screwed up. (sigh)

Thanks to Chi Yagami, Sour Schuyler (Marik wasn't technically in the Noah's Arc saga, but I mixed it around and had him be in it,) AnimeLoverAngel, Intertwined-Destiny16 ((sweat drop) That was a very long review...Actually, there was only maybe two sentences that was the review, lol,) Jina-chan, DarkAngel4u, merick'sgirl, Monkeyluv4646, Chained and Tortured, and Eternal Eyes. Sorry for the late update everyone!

And now...for the very, very, very long awaited chapter! Three, two, one and –

ROLLING!

X

_Chapter Twelve, Perverted puppies and secrets revealed _

(Marik's POV for those that may have forgotten)

(sigh) Since when did I ever deserve this shit? Sure, I've been a bastard all my life and hell, I've fucked Anzu more than necessary, but come on! A four-way duel? And with those three faggots? You've got to be kidding me!

I'm heading towards Isis' room now so that I can confront her about Rishid. The little bitch thought that she could hide him from me, well she's got another thing coming! I pounded that little button and the door slid open. I stalked in and Isis must have seen me in the window that she was staring out of, because she swung around and said, "Marik."

"Hello, Isis," I sneered at her with my famous smirk. "I see you're not getting ready to go watch the four-way duel. What? Don't want to watch your little brother duel?" I cackled, but she obviously didn't think it was funny. Well, screw her. My jokes are far better than her 'follow your destiny' shit.

"What do you want, Marik? You obviously did not come here for idle conversation." Stupid whore. What else did she think I came here for? Idle conversation gets me wired up and when I'm wired up – NO ONE CAN DEFEAT ME! HAHAHAHAHA! Actually...I think Rishid beat me at Go Fish once when I was wired up. Stupid bastard. Thinks he can get away with someone like that, does he? DOES HE? I WILL GET MY REVENGE! NO ONE – AND I MEAN NO ONE – BEATS ME AT GO FISH AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! (pause) Even if Rishid _did_ get away with it for a couple years or more, that doesn't mean I haven't forgotten! Oh, no, I have not forgotten!

"I came to discuss Rishid with you, sister," I informed her, brandishing my M. Rod, waving it in her face. "Did you actually think you would be able to get away with concealing him from me? Oh, how naïve of you, Isis!"

"I did what was necessary," Isis told me in a careful, but slightly shaky voice. I snorted at her. Necessary my ass. She thought it was necessary that father beat the living hell out of Malik and look at how he ended up. Insane, power-hungry – and sex-hungry, too – along with creating me. Not to mention, he's an annoying little ass. "I will not allow you to take over Malik and – "

"Blah, blah, blah. Do you ever shut up?" I asked with a raised brow. "Anyway, you will pay, Isis. I will rape you and pilfer your virginity while I'm at it! Mwahahaha!" And then I did that face-stretch thing, along with waving my tongue and making my eyes bulge. It didn't, ah, have the effect I wished. Isis had turned her head and was...

...blushing?

(oO) WHAT THE HELL? Ewww! Don't tell me she's _eager_! Incest! Incest alert! Augh! That's so nasty! That's so...ew! Ew, ew, ew! I've been living with an incest-lover. Not to mention, who knows what she did to Malik and me while we were sleeping! Oh, Ra, I think I'm going to be...be sick...

"Actually, Marik," Isis said softly, "I'm not a virgin any more."

"(OO) WHAT? Who the _fuck_ did _you_?"

"Well..." She blushed redder and prodded the carpet with her foot. This...is very unlike the Isis Ishtar I knew. (o.o) Very unlike her. "Do you remember when Shadii showed up and, well, made you come out? The day you killed father?"

"...I remember," I answered cautiously.

Blushing even redder, she continued, "You see...He came and visited me later on at night and comforted me about father's death and cooed to me and cradled me in his arms and soon things just...happened." Her cheeks burned red at this point and I was gawking at her with my jaw dropped open.

Ra...DAMN IT! DAMN YOU, SHADII, DAMN YOU! Now how the hell am I supposed to hurt her! MOTHER FUCKER! This is such _bullshit_! Grr...

There was an announcement that we had arrived on some island – I dunno which one, I was too pissed to notice – and after shooting Isis a last, dirty, disgusted look, I stormed out of the room. I heard a sigh of, "Shadii..." from her as I left. Disgusting.

X

Man, this place is a dump. There's things littered everywhere and, quite frankly, it looks like someone just decided to dump metal scraps on the place. In the center, though, there was a tall tower. Obviously, that was where our duels were going to take place. Kaiba might be a terrible host, but he isn't _that_ inhospitable. I glanced down from the rubble I was walking on and noticed that Kaiba wasn't talking to Yami or Jou, who were holding hands. Oh, gross. Why is it that I a bunch of frickin' secrets are being revealed _now_? I mean, couldn't they have kept that stuff to themselves? Actually, no, they could have revealed it but they should have waited until I was long gone and ruling the world, damn it!

Well, Yami looked too content, so I decided I might as well shake him up a bit. "Hey, Pharaoh," I called as he and his friends came to stand below me. "Isn't it a beautiful day for the Shadow Realm to be fed another victim?" I cackled and Yami glared at me.

"MARIK!" He roared, pointing a finger at me.

(Silence)

Okay, what the hell? Is he just going to stand there, staring at me with his finger pointing at me – WHICH IS RUDE – or is he actually going to do something?

………

What a fucking idiot. "Pharaoh, if you're just going to stand there like a Ra-damn moron and not do anything other than point at me, then lower your finger and continue walking."

"Oh...Er...NO!"

I slapped a hand to my face, shaking my head. This man...COULDN'T have been a great Pharaoh at one point. He's too retarded to be!

"I can't believe I actually had him in my bed at one point," Kaiba was muttering as he went ahead of them. I sighed and followed Kaiba, irritated to say the least. I glanced to the side and saw my reflection in some metal.

"...Man, am I hot!" I remarked to myself, grinning.

"You sure are," someone said from behind me and pinched my butt. My eyes popped out and I turned to see the mutt, Jounouchi Katsuya winking at me. Oh, Ra, that is so disgusting...I shuddered, rubbing my butt, feeling violated and followed far behind them. Gross...

X

Well...This is rather uncomfortable. The finalists – including me, of course – are up in the air and the others are...down there. Doing nothing but cheering everyone on. Except me. (sigh) It's hard being the bad guy. Oh, wait, no...Anzu is cheering for me! Excellent. At least I have _one_ person cheering for me.

"Oh, Marik!" The idiot, Jou, called. I turned to him and cringed. He was waving a me with bright eyes. Kaiba and Yami were glaring at him. "Hey there, sweet cheeks!"

"..." I cannot believe he just called me that. THE DOG SHALL DIE.

"Ugh," Kaiba grunted. "That's it. I'm becoming straight again. I can't believe I even screwed you two utter idiots. I'm just going to go back to fucking my secretaries."

(OO) AGAIN, WITH THE SECRETS! Dear Ra, people, I don't want to know what you do in your personal lives!

So, after that, with Jou giving me googly eyes, Yami sniffling, and Kaiba remaining as cool as ever and glancing down to the ground every once in awhile – what the hell is he looking at? – we somehow managed to get through the duel. Well, almost. I finally discovered what Kaiba was glancing at and that...was not going to go good with me!

"Kaiba, stop staring at Mazaki!" I snapped and the piece of shit beside me glared.

"I'll look at whoever I want, Marik. I could kick you out of the tournament at anytime you want."

"(o.o) You were looking at me, Kaiba?" Anzu spoke from the ground.

...She was blushing.

Damn it, why do all the girls I pick up end up being whores?

"Anzu, don't you forget whose woman you are!" I roared at her.

"Right, right, sorry!" She apologized. She didn't sound very sincere, the little hussy. We'll see how she likes it when I'm not gentle in bed tonight! THEN we'll see which man she'll come running back to!...Hopefully not Kaiba. Or Bakura. Or Malik. Or anyone else that's not me.

"_Marrriikk_." Damn. The insufferable moron across from me is calling my name again. "You know...If Anzu doesn't want you, I'll be quite willing to stick my (censored) up your tight (censored)."

(OoO) He...did not just say that to me! HE DID _NOT_ JUST SAY THAT! (starts swearing fluently in Egyptian) WHAT THE HELL, MAN! ARE ALL FAGS THIS DIRTY MOUTHED?

"(OO) Marik!" Anzu gasped from below. "Don't do it! It might sound tempting, but please don't do it! I'll miss you..."

Well, at least Jounouchi got ONE thing done for me. Now Anzu won't go running into Kaiba's bed. Good.

X

Finally...The duel is done. I fucking hate Jounouchi Katsuya. I WILL kill the little bastard as soon as I get the chance. (sigh) I need a smoke. (swears) Damn! The first duel is me and the stupid mutt, too! I have to deal with him...again! And some more! Shit!

...Where the hell are my cigarettes?

X

DIS: (sweat drop) A chapter full of perverted little doggies and new secrets are revealed! Now, I hope you guys didn't think I was actually going to have Kaiba with Anzu! After all, that would make Marik-kun just too miserable! (inches away from readers) I, uh, I just hope that, uh, you don't kill me (o.o) Heh, heh...(gulp) Anyway, please review and tell me how you like it. I'll be back with Jou and Marik's duel, and maybe Kaiba and Yami's, too! (sigh) Unfortunately, this story is coming to a close, too...Oh well, one thing I don't have to worry about. Ciao!


	13. The end of all this crap

DIS: Hot damn, it's been awhile...Okay, not really, when compared to, ahem, the last update on this story. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I was shocked I got more than one review as this story has been ignored for such a long time...(sweat drop) So, anyway, here is the last chapter of _What really happened in Battle City_! Finally! This story's been going on for_ever_.

X

Chapter Thirteen, The end of all this crap 

(Again, Marik's POV)

Man...Man, do I hate Jounouchi Katsuya. "Prepare to meet the shadows!" I declared to him as we stepped out of those...thingies. I dunno what the stupid pieces of shit are called.

"Ooh," Jou squealed. Wait...He isn't supposed to be happy, dammit! "I've always wanted to go to the dark side. Rawr!" He crooked his hands in claws. Oh, Ra.

"(-.-) Jou, this is not the time to be hitting on Marik," Yami grumbled moodily. Let me interpret what he really means. Ahem...(changes voice so it's a bad imitation of Yami's) 'Oh, Jounouchi, my love, my mate, please, stop making me look like chicken shit. I hate not being the one that's the center of your attention! Oh, Jounouchi, Jounouchi, Jounouchi!' And then he would go on his knees, clutch the mutt's legs and start sobbing hysterically. Kaiba would then join in, except he'd start ranting about how 'he's the best' and 'Yuugi should die, I should be Duel King' and all that shit. Really. These people need lives. (o.o) Oh, hell...I just realized something...(X.X) I hate the Shadow Realm!

"Aw, you're just jealous I'm not gonna be screwing you like I normally do when someone's dueling." He winked at me and I shuddered. "Ya know, Marik, honey, I get _really_ turned on when a duel's going on." He blew me a kiss and I almost gagged. DEAR RA, WHAT IS THIS MAN'S PROBLEM?

"Would you idiots knock it off?" Kaiba sneered at us. OH NO HE DIDN'T! I flipped him off and he smirked. "I'm straight now, Marik, but Jou might take the offer."

...Ra I hate that guy. In fact, I hate every one of these little assholes – EXCEPT! Anzu.

"After all," Kaiba continued, still smirking, "I think it's pretty obvious that I'll be able to change Anzu's mind about not coming to my bed. I _do_ have a certificate for strip dancing that places me in the 'professional' category."

………

(OoO) _What?_ WHAT? You've got to be fucking kidding me. _Seto Kaiba? _A professional strip dancer? DAMN! THE SECRETS JUST KEEP ON COMING AND I AM SOOOO SICK OF THEM! (pause) Shit, I can't compete with professional strip dancing. Dammit.

"Listen, you asswipe," I snarled at Kaiba, who raised an eyebrow in turn. Jackass. Thinks he's so cool... "I could care less if you were a professional fucking ballerina!" Okay, I'm lying, but hey! He doesn't know that. "Anzu's mine, got that?"

"Uh-huh..." Kaiba rolled his eyes.

"I SAW THAT!" Yami declared.

"(oO) So did I," I said, eyeing him. What a freak. I STILL cannot believe that he was once some great Pharaoh. (-.-) Ugh, what am I saying? He's just a freaky little midget. Midget- boy, midget-boy! Hahahahaha! (pause) Ra I'm such a loser...With this nice ass and being as sexy as I am...(sigh) It's just not any good when I can't share it with someone. (glances at Jou) Okay, scratch that. When I mean someone, it has to be a hot lady – like Anzu. But not a man. No men. None. Especially not Jounouchi Katsuya. (shudders) Ewww!

"Let's duel, shall we, pumpkin?" Jou queried, batting his eyelashes at me. I made a disgusted expression and stormed to the other side of the dueling arena. Jou had followed me.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I roared as the others came onto the platform. "YOU'RE DUELING _AGAINST _ME, NOT _WITH_ ME, YOU IMBECILE!"

"Boy, don't I wish I were dueling with you," he said. I face-faulted and brought out my M. Rod.

"Go to the other side of the arena before I blow you to the Shadow Realm! LITERALLY." Oh, shit...I shouldn't have used the term 'blow.'

"O-Oh Really?" Jou sputtered, his eyes widening with joy. "Oh, please, please, _please_ blow me, Marik!"

Many jaws drop at this point, mine included. Hell, who's jaw _wouldn't _drop? I mean, let's be honest...WHAT KIND OF GUY _PLEADS_ FOR ANOTHER GUY TO DO THAT TO HIM?

"Jou!" Anzu scorned, stomping over to us and smacking him across the head. "Don't ask for things like that! Only I'm allowed to ask that from Marik-kun!"

(OO)...I don't know how I feel about her admitting that to everyone.

"(-.-) Damn," Kaiba muttered. "What the hell have _they_ been doing?" He asked Yami, jerking his thumb to us. Yami shrugged. This is ridiculous...I've never been surrounded by a more idiotic crowd than this.

"_Can we get on with this already?_" I snapped, glaring at them.

"If the dog gets on his side, yes," Kaiba answered simply, strolling away to the sidelines, where his brother was. Jou sighed and after blowing me a kiss, went to his side. I shook my head in disgust.

"Well! Good luck, Marik!" Anzu said, patting me on the back. "Here, this will be for luck." And with that, she kissed me hard on the mouth. Ahhh, serenity! – Even if it only lasted for a moment. She went to the sidelines as well and Jou went to his spot on the arena.

"Okey-dokey," the moron chirped. "I'm a-ready to go!"

(-.-)...THE DOG SHALL DIE.

So, after each of us had one card on the field, I declared, "It's time to take this to the Shadow Realm! Mwahahaha!"

"...Aww...But I thought you were gonna _blow me_ to the Shadow Realm?"

"I only blow girls, you revolting moron!" And so, we were in the Shadow Realm. Dammit, I really hate the Shadow Realm! I mean, I never used to, but then –

"Like, OH – MY – GOD! Is that you, Mario?" Mai screeched.

...but then _she_ came along.

RA DO I HATE HER! I HATE HER WITH THE FIRE THAT BURNS IN THE PIT OF MY SOUL!

"MY NAME IS NOT MARIO!" I roared at her. "NOW SHUT UP BEFORE I SEND YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELLLL!"

"...Hellll?" She asked, repeating the way I said it. Okay...Okay. The dog _and_ the bitch shall die. That is my declaration. Yup. Yup...Yeah. Shit. I fuckin' hate her so much! Grrr.

"SOOO," Mai drawled, grinning at her friends. "What're you guys up to?"

"Mai!" They gasped, then paused. "Marik, _why_ isn't she dead? Geez, can't even kill the stupid bimbo..." (-.-) What loving friends they are...

"Listen, assholes, the fuckin' Shadow Realm wouldn't take her. It's not _my_ fault she's so utterly annoying and stupidly ditzy that the Shadow Realm wouldn't accept her. DAMN! Gimme a break here! I'm only working with one Millennium Item! Ask Yami to do something! _He's_ just sitting around on his ass all day!"

"Hey! He's right!" The pointy-headed freak exclaimed. "YAMI! Get rid of Mai!"

"Uh, _helloooo_, I'm right _hereeeee!_" Mai announced, glaring at them. She just doesn't take a hint or something. Ugh. I knew she was stupid from the beginning.

"Um..." Yami rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Anzu, why aren't you lecturing us about friendship?"

"Yes, well, I'm all for that usually, Yami," Anzu explained, "but...SHE IS SO FRICKIN' ANNOYING!"

"YEAH!" Honda and Otogi exclaimed. Yami sweat dropped. Good. The pressure is on him.

"Okay, okay...I'll see what I can do." He focused on his Millennium power and I could tell he was really trying, but uh...some dark figure came up from the shadows. "(oO) Huh?"

"What the fuck?" I muttered.

"LISTEN YOU MOTHER FUCKIN' WHOREBAGS," it roared. "WE'RE NOT TAKIN' THE ANNOYING LITTLE BLONDE BITCH OVER HERE, GOT IT?"

(OoO'')

"Sorry, Pharaoh," the dark figure continued, "but we can't bring all her idiocy and sluttiness into the Shadow Realm. There'd be problems and the guys at tech support already got enough on their hands with this jackass over here," he pointed at me, "sending people to the Shadow Realm left and right."

(-.-) Okay, I don't know _who_ this guy is, but he shall die with the dog and the bitch. THEY ALL SHALL DIEEEE!

"Eh...Can we get on with da duel?" Jou asked, scratching his head. "I mean, I'm all for this stuff, but the sooner I beat Marik, the sooner I can get him in my bed."

(Sweat drop)

In his dreams.

(At the end of the duel)

"Jounouchi is mindless," Yami said bluntly, staring at Jou's motionless body.

"Oh, I knew that," Kaiba answered him.

"I meant something else, Kaiba!"

"...So?"

"MWAHAHAHA!" Yes, that would be me laughing evilly. Damn do I need a new evil laugh. "Ah...Man, that's funny. I never thought I'd be lucky enough to get rid of him. I was just getting SOOOO sick of his comments!"

"Yeah..." Anzu said slowly. "He was a good guy."

"He's not DEAD," Yami snapped at us. Geez, something's going through PMS. "MARIK!" He pointed at me. Aw, shit, not this again. I turned my back to him. "Wait, wait! This time I know what I'm going to say!"

"(sweat drop) Alright, go ahead."

(pause)

"Hold on," Yami said. "I forgot...Let me think..." Kaiba smacked his forehead, shaking his head. "Oh, yeah! Wait...No, that's what I was going to say to Grandpa when we got back." He sighed. "Now I have to sort through _all_ these thoughts! Okay...hmm...Oh! Okay! I got it!"

"Idiot," I muttered.

"MARIK!" He pointed his finger at me again. "I will bring Jou back from the Shadow Realm! I'm, uh, not sure about Mai yet...I don't think I will, actually," he added at the dark looks he received. By Ra, if he does... "SO THERE!"

"...Yeah, sure, whatever. Go away and duel Kaiba already." What an annoying midget.

X

So...This sucks. I'm halfway through the duel with Yami and well...Malik is pissed.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! HOW DARE YOU USE ME FOR YOUR OWN GREEDY LITTLE – RADAMN YOU MARIK, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! KILL YOU, HEAR ME, KILL YOU!" Yeah...He's pissed. And Yuugi...Well, he's...Er...He's being a retard like always.

"La-la-la-la, wow, most of my body is gone," Yuugi remarked. "...La-la-la-la."

And Yami is staring at his cards. It's so fucking amazing how violent his mood swings are. One minute, he's a complete moron, ranting about something stupid and then the next minute, he's serious and lecturing me about morals, the heart of the cards, and friendship. Puh-_lease_, nigga!

"I summon...THIS CARD!"

"NO!" Wait...Oh, yeah...SHIT! My life points! FUCK!

"Marik!" Anzu gasped. "Oh, wait...Oh, that's okay, I have Malik, hehehe." DAMN HER! DAMN YAMI! DAMN THEM ALL!

"And now," Malik snickered, "_I_ will take over."

"(OO) Malik, if you let me live, I'll buy you a candy bar!" Malik blinked and looked thoughtful.

"Well..."

"_Malik_," Yami growled in a warning tone.

"Aw, shove a stick up your ass, Pharaoh. I wasn't gonna anyway. Buh-bye."

"Fine! But I'm not going without doing this!" At that, I flipped him off and then mooned him and Yami. Mwahahaha! Hey, at least I went down in a flash.

"(-.-) That's it. You're dead."

X

(Malik's POV)

Ahh...It's good to be back! I've never felt more alive! Well, other than when I'm riding my motorcycle. Though, some of these weird memories Marik gave me...(o.o) They're really freaky. Like Jou hitting on him or him coming out of the bathroom and then being accused of sleeping with that mutt. And then there's this encounter with Isis and her saying she slept with Shadii – what the _fuck_ is up with that? I'll have to confront her about that. Oh, look. It's Yuugi. (sigh) I can only imagine what he's thinking now. 'Oh my gosh, there's Malik! He looks so fine! I wonder if my hair's okay? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Like, _what am I gonna do _if my hair is _not okay?_ Eek!' (sighs again) It's hard being beautiful.

"Hey there, Malik," Yuugi greeted. "Sorry about all this stuff. It ended up being pretty messy, huh?"

"Little Yuugi, let me get something straight...I am not gay. I will never be gay. I enjoy being straight and quite frankly, gay people disgust me. What's more, I've been in bed with Anzu my fair share of times...so don't try anything."

"(oO) I, um, wasn't going to, Malik...Er...Okay?" Yuugi told me awkwardly. Hell's bells. I just made a complete ass of myself. (pause) Then again, when do I _not_? It is good to be back!

"Brother," Isis greeted warmly, going to me and hugging me. "It's good to have you back. I had foreseen you coming back – um, well, sometime. It is your destiny to live and to save the world!"

"Hey!" Yuugi turned to her. "I thought that was _my_ destiny?"

"Yeah!" The others exclaimed. "Mine too!"

"(sweat drop) Er...It is," she hastily said. "Well, we have to be going! Gotta get back to Egypt and everything."

"Aww," Anzu whined. "I thought Malik might be able to stay awhile...Oh, well, there's always Bakura."

(OO) Bakura? NOOOOO!

(On the plane to Egypt)

"It's good to see you back to normal, Master Malik," Rishid said to me.

"Normal my ass!" I snapped. "Did you know that Shadii and Isis were fucking each other? AND WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER?"

"(OO) Miss Ishtar?" He gasped. "No!"

"Yeah! What kind of shit is that?"

"How are you two doing?" Isis asked, coming back from the bathroom.

"Isis, I'm your brother and you never told me you were fucking Shadii!" I told her, glaring.

"...Er...Well, he's very polite...And very cute...And very nice in bed now that I think of it. He does this thing where he – " She began.

"_Miss Ishtar! - Isis!_" Rishid and I shrieked in terror. As if we wanted to know what _Shadii_ does in bed! Ugh! Ugh! And triple ugh!

Isis shrugged her shoulders and opened her book to read it. I really don't wanna go back to Egypt. But hey! I'll be back! Maybe...Yeah, I'll be back! Just you wait, Bakura...You won't get past me! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

...I really need to get a new evil laugh...

END 

X

DIS: (sweat drop) Okay, so it wasn't the best, but at least I updated and I at least I _finally_ finished this Ra-be-damned story. So, anyway, tell me how you guys liked it and if you want, you can go ahead and tell me what your favorite parts of the story was – if you have a favorite part. With that said, please review on your way out. Ciao!


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